Binge Eating Disorder Treatment, Food Addiction

Eating Disorder Center – My First Day

help-66609_640I made my decision. I had to get treatment for my binge eating disorder. Now.  Backing out was not an option. The eating disorder center in my city offered an evening program that I could attend 3 nights a week for 4 hours after work. I had no idea what to expect.

The Interview

Nervous about what I was about to get myself into, I sent an e-mail to the treatment center I had found out about in my internet search the night before. The next day I received a very friendly e-mail that I should schedule an interview with them. They also attached a packet for me to fill out and to bring with me. The following Thursday, I was standing in front of an office building not knowing what to expect. Would they accept me? Was I even bad enough? I knew that I had a problem, but wasn’t sure what would qualify me for treatment. I wasn’t anorexic or bulimic. I just ate a lot, lots of times, and I couldn’t stop once I got started. I knew I needed help. But would it be bad enough?

When I entered the building, I found the suite of the Eating Disorder Center of Denver right away. Session was on that day, so when I walked in, I saw a couple of very skinny girls heating up their dinners and getting called into a room to get weighed. Woah!!! Was I in the right place?

A very cheerful therapist welcomed me into her office and we talked for an hour about my binging, the program, and went over the insurance paperwork. I felt at ease and had no trouble opening up to her. Finally, she said: “You are high-functioning with your eating disorder.” I still didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing, or if I would even get accepted. She continued, “I think we can help you get better.” I was so excited, because I knew that an inpatient treatment center would’ve been out of the question for me. Only celebrities could afford that! I had a job and a life, after all. At that point, the outpatient program was my only hope and I was going to do whatever it took to get better. “Can you start next Wednesday?” the therapist asked.

Treatment in Session

Again, I had no idea what to expect on my first evening of treatment. I was excited about finally getting help, but I was also nervous as hell. Tucking my uneasiness away, I entered the center. As I walked in, I met a few more therapists and other patients that were in the program. Everyone was super nice and welcoming. Since we were supposed to eat dinner as group, I brought leftovers with me, and heated them up. Again, I felt very much out of place, because I was the only “big” girl and at 43, most of them could be my daughters of what I could tell.

A therapist called me into an office to get my starting weight and I filled out a form to “check-in”. One of the therapists then went over the form with me, which documented how I was feeling that evening, if I ate all my meals that day, had any cravings, and what my goals were. I learned that this was a ritual we did 2 of the 3 sessions each week. Mondays was “confession night”, as we called it and we had to fill out a different sheet and share how we fared throughout the week – good and bad.

My First Meal

Dinner was enjoyable. We had a “mindful moment”, a moment before dinner where we focused on relaxing, being in the moment, and our intentions for the meal. Mine usually was to eat slow (instead of gulping) and taste my food while also paying attention to my fullness signals. I noticed how some of the girls struggled to eat their food. Not me! I was beginning to doubt that I made the right decision to get treatment at this center. I was totally opposite from them, but I hung in there. After dinner, we had to answer some questions again about how we felt, our hunger levels before and after the meal, if we had any eating disorder behaviors, or if we practiced any new skills. It was a little awkward.

I Was Wrong

After a short break, we transitioned into a class to learn personal interaction skills. That’s when I realized that I was wrong with my earlier judgement. It didn’t matter if the others were there because of their bulimia, anorexia, binge-eating disorder, or something in-between. We all were dealing with the same crap in our heads, the insecurities, the fear of confrontations, not dealing with our feelings. My mind was officially blown, as it was many times during my treatment (which I will talk about in future posts). We had the same disease, it just manifested differently, depending on how we were coping with difficult situations.

Art Therapy? Really?

Finally, our last class that day was art therapy. Okay. I consider myself an artsy person. I always loved crafts, writing, needlepoint, etc. I had no idea of what it had to do with eating disorder treatment. Were we supposed to draw food? Our therapist walked into the room and she totally looked her job – colorful clothes and very relaxed.

Before the session started, she asked us to make our mark on a sheet of paper hanging on the wall. “Draw how you feel.” Huh? I just put a heart on it, because I love hearts. To my horror, we had to talk about it, our feelings, and what we needed from the group that night. I had no idea what to say, so I just spouted something out. I guess, I did okay.

I think our assignment was to draw something that made us feel good using any medium we wanted. I drew a happy worm with dots crawling on grass with sunshine and a few clouds in the sky with smelly markers. It was fun, but when I saw everyone’s artwork and we had to talk about it, I felt like mine looked like 3rd grader art compared to theirs. “This sucks! Mine looks like scribbles…” I was so hard on myself and my perfectionism reared its ugly head. Apparently negative self-talk was frowned upon. I learned that the hard way… The therapist asked me pointed questions about why I felt that way and I realized that I actually did feel good when I was drawing it and that should’ve been all that mattered. That’s why they call art “therapy” and we found another area in me that needed some work.

What made me want to continue

Even though I was the only binge-eating disorder patient in the group at the time, I realized that just in one evening I learned so much about myself that I knew that this program was the right fit for me. I didn’t even have a one-on-one with my therapist or a session with my dietitian yet. I’ve read hundreds of self-help books in my life, but just this one night convinced me that I needed to do this if I ever wanted to be free from my cravings and binges again.

If you want to be notified when I write future posts about my experience in an eating-disorder treatment center and my recovery, just click the blue follow-me button on the upper right of this page.

And as always, feel free to leave comments below. Are you currently struggling? Are (or have you been) in recovery yourself? What’s on your mind? I love to hear from you!

Hugs,

Nickie

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Binge Eating Disorder Treatment, Food Addiction

Binge Eating Disorder – There’s hope for you, too!

binge_eating_disorder“Just another bite won’t hurt me. The damage is done. I might as well keep stuffing my face and start fresh tomorrow.” Does this sound familiar? I’ve been dealing with food issues for most of my life and I want to share my struggles and recovery with you.

Somehow, dieting didn’t work for me…

Since my teenage years, I tried every food plan under the sun in hopes to find “the one that worked.” I’d do well for a few weeks, hit a tough spot, craved, binged, and undid every bit of progress I’ve worked so hard for in just a weekend. As the years went on, these cycles intensified. I felt like a failure, because I didn’t have the discipline to even follow a simple diet plan. I was obsessed with food, especially the kind I would not allow myself to eat. Those foods were forbidden… but I had to have them and my mind wouldn’t rest until I caved in to my cravings. I could always start fresh tomorrow.

Fighting & Giving Up

With every new diet, my confidence that this would be the one to save me from my cravings skyrocketed. Soon, however, I realized that this new diet was just another variation of the one that failed me just two weeks ago. My bookshelves were overflowing with self-help, diet, and cookbooks, yet, I didn’t feel any better than before. I felt worse. Another failed promise. “Why do I even try,” I thought. There was no hope, only disappointment.

I Needed Help

About 6 months ago, I hit rock-bottom. My blood-sugars where constantly out of whack, and one day, I had to go to the ER at work because I was dizzy and couldn’t formulate my words right. That’s when I realized that I needed help. This had to stop! My blood-pressure, my blood-sugar issues, my obesity – all were a direct result of my bingeing. It suddenly became clear as day: If I wanted to get better, I needed to deal with my food addiction. But how? I’ve read a ton of books about this topic, but wasn’t able to get my binges under control.

I opened my laptop and searched for therapists specializing in eating disorders in my area. I found several, but had doubts that I could afford them. After continuing my search for a while longer, I found an evening intensive outpatient program as part of the Eating Disorder Center of Denver in my city. I contacted them the next day and found out that I was accepted in the program. I was officially diagnosed with having a binge eating disorder, which was just recently recognized as an actual disease and is now covered by most insurances. Knowing that this could be my one and only shot at this level of recovery, I threw myself at everything this program had to offer. After 11 weeks of outpatient treatment of 3 long nights a week, my therapist suggested that I should consider stepping up to a partial hospitalization program in Denver for a few weeks. (I always thought that these recovery centers were only for the rich and famous, but my insurance covered most of it, to my surprise). So I went.

I want to share my experience with you!

For years, I was looking for help and wasn’t sure how to find what I needed. When I came back from treatment (I was pretty open to where I’ve been for the past couple of months) friends and co-workers opened up to me about their struggles with food, asking me about treatment, how to stop eating, etc. I told them that I can’t offer advice (I’m not a therapist and I don’t want to go to jail), but I can certainly share my own journey and experience with them and point them in the right direction to find help.

I consider myself lucky to have had the opportunity to go through treatment and I know that there are many of you who wish they could or don’t know where to start. I’m a writer (usually paranormal romantic comedies), but I felt the strong urge to share my story with you, to give you hope and inspiration. DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!

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To find help, check My (Growing) List of Binge Eating Disorder Resources

Food Addiction, Low-Carb Diet

Weekend Binge Danger Zone Reframed

Calendar
Image by studiocurve via Flickr

Not staying low-carb on weekends has been my downfall in my weight-loss journey so far.  As soon as I ate something high-carb, my entire weekend turned into a food fest, which undid all of the body-healing progress I’ve made throughout the week.

My Binge Pattern:

As I mentioned in several of my posts, on workdays, I hardly have any cravings at all.  I can even walk by the sweets and cupcakes people leave by the coffee paraphernalia for others to enjoy.  Actually, all unwanted treats from coworkers land there.  “Someone will eat it.” is the common attitude.  And indeed, someone will eventually eat it … just not me.

The trouble starts Friday evening.  Here’s what usually goes through me head: “Weekend!!! It’s time to relax.  Let’s do something special as a family.  Let’s eat out!  I’m going to eat whatever, just for this meal and I’ll get back on track after we leave the restaurant.  Okay, I’ll have some sweets, that’s it for tonight.  I’ll reset over night, let’s go to the store and grab some stuff.”  Saturday goes sort of like this: “Hmmm, I didn’t eat those snack cakes last night.  Let me eat them and get them out of the way, then start over afterwards.  Heck I already started, might as well keep going…”  Once Monday comes around, I’m about 3-4 lbs heavier again, I feel puffy, swollen, and lethargic, combined with a mild, annoying headache and the question looming over my head: “Why the hell did I do this again?”

The bad thing is, there are many places where I could actually break the binge-cycle, but my mind is on overdrive and I go on autopilot.  I don’t seem to have control anymore of what goes into my mouth.  Sweet stuff is all I can think about and I am driven to fulfill that need. The sad thing is, it is never enough. So, my only solution is not to start at all.  But how can I do this?

Reframing:

Back in the old Weight Watchers days, I’ve learned about a tool called refraiming, where you replace a belief or thought with another, more positive one.  Here is how I want to change my thinking for now:

  • Weekends are danger zones – turns into – Weekends are opportunities to learn more about healing my body (more podcasts to listen to, reading, try new recipes that I don’t have time for during the week, etc.)
  • I can have just one of these – turns into – I rather stay on the straight path I’m on right now.  (I imagine the path of binging to be loopy with many d-tours).  If that doesn’t work, walk away and the cravings will diminish.
  • Whatever. I don’t care. I don’t want to do anything – turns into – What do I really feel?  Am I blocking something out?

So for this week, I’ll be practicing my reframing skills and post about my progress as I go along.

Next, I’d like to hear from you readers if reframing has worked for you.  What thoughts have you changed? Have you noticed any changes in your thinking, your mood, your behavior?  Just leave a comment below to share your experience.

Until next time,

Nickie